Keep on Growing

I thought I’d reflect more on mt well-being rather than specific feelings from my course or everyday life through risk of becoming too systemic.

At the moment my life is very busy which mentally is very good for me as I like to be engaged and stimulated. One of the common misconceptions is those suffering depression are limited to little activity when in some cases quite the opposite is true. Sometimes only a busy schedule staves away the darker thoughts and processes lurking in ones mind and filling that headspace with as much baggage as possible is the only thing that keeps the dark thoughts waiting their turn. I found during my lay off from Subway and lock-down I was pretty much alone to overthink on these dark thoughts hence the result at the time. Worrying about obstacles in our lives isn’t exceptional, if anything it’s practical as well as the most normal thing in the world. I’m worried about failing my driving test, I’m worried I’m falling behind on my course, I’m worried that this as a journal lacks subtlety and gall whilst also I’m worried about whether I’ll see another friend again this year. These worries fuel my everyday activity and motivates me towards betterment, it’s not wrong to hold these worries but dwelling on them inactively can allow darker more irrational thoughts to manifest.

I chose the title of this blog as a song I’ve been listening to a lot recently, it’s from Layla and other assorted love songs from Derek and the Dominoes first and sadly last album. I’m going to be writing a special blog in a couple of weeks for its 50th birthday and detailing the impact it has had on me but it’s mere understatement to say I would recommend you all to give it a listen. Music is what pushes me through the everyday, writing and listening to it engages me like nothing else and I’d struggle with my problems a lot more if I couldn’t occasionally drown them out and I think we all need those little escapes. For all my worries I know I’ve progressed a lot this year and I’m taking many positive steps forward to improve my life. Moments of clarity can come in the strangest forms and when watching the Rams beat the Bears at 1am last night I did start to overthink all the obstacles I have yet to overcome. Relaying my real feelings to people, life after Masters and also what my ideal endgame actually is. Basically massive fucking questions that cheap beer can’t answer, I don’t want to take such a step in my life that small problems identified as normality ensuing leads to me cradling them and then suddenly trying to smash the big unanswerable ones down.

Keep on Growing anyway highlights Eric Clapton basically not being able to tell Pattie Boyd he loves her probably because she was dating George Harrison at the time. Don’t think I have the talent to write a full album about not being honest with my feelings but the song strongly resonates with me. Love is more powerful than self doubt as long as you continue to grow, you allow the love to change you to a more confident person up to the point you’re willing to share it. Of course it’s a problem we all have, when are we ever really true to our own feelings and emotions whilst also trying not to upset the apple cart. For now anyway I need to continue to grow, whether it involves trying to answer those big questions who knows.

Recovery may represent something more physical than mental for me, it’ll be a few years before I get to where I want to be job wise and physically but everyday I keep on growing I become more confident it will come. Just doing it alone kinda sucks if you get what I mean. Anyway I’m smashing all the theory mock tests so I’m sure I’ll be fine as long as I don’t draw on my Mario Kart or GTA experiences I should be fine. The course has slowed down a lot this week but I’m making all the progress I can but inevitably I’m never satisfied I’m doing enough. As for seeing friends if I have the time and money I’ll do everything I can because loneliness is something you never get used too.

Thanks for reading x

The Longest Year

I wanted to try and reflect this year as a whole and try relate it to things I’ve picked up in my readings on empathy.

Those of you that have followed my blog this year know it has been on an upward trajectory in terms of themes. I mean writing a suicide note in March was a pretty steep point and probably impossible to sink further than but still I’ve made many positive strides since and now feel comfortable with the journey I’m undertaking. Something I read about recently resonated with me and how I felt about being counselled especially in the aftermath of my March attempt. Of course I remember being incredibly resistant for weeks after to any attempt at help, often being referred for counselling doesn’t help as building that empathic relationship requires consent on both ends. I did read though that when a client exhibits suicidal thoughts it’s important for the counselor to identify the 2 co-existing configurations of self and to show unconditional empathy to the pair. Without this acknowledgement of the more damaging configuration the client can never truly develop emotionally. I have felt in the past that when I’ve vented suicidal thoughts to a counselor only when they’ve taken a backseat and allowed me to vent my anger have those thoughts abated. In CBT I felt they probed me and this only made me more resistant to the process. In this kind of therapy the key is learning to shut-up and letting the client lead the conversation, also I picked up on a philosophical theory called the I-Thou theory which is basically when that relationship between client and counselor becomes more spiritual and connected, you stop seeing things as so distinct and the sharing of emotion is more fluid.

Learning to shut-up is difficult, I’ve found myself in practice sessions wanting to fill awkward silences with questions and summaries or I feel I risk losing the client or that the client would feel I haven’t been listening closely. But really jumping in with rash judgments doesn’t help anyone and is the clearer sign you haven’t been paying attention. I also read a study on how predisposition to maltreatment in childhood can impact the connection between maternal empathy and the development of cognitive empathy in a child but not their emotional empathy. Mothers who had suffered from abuse had problems showing maternal empathy as they struggled with perspective taking and showed increased signs of personal distress when hearing another persons problems and this lack of empathy would feed into a lack of empathy being show to their children. Whether this is the case with me or now who knows, emotional empathy though in studies has been shown to be more innate and I don’t feel I struggle with that. Whilst all humans showing empathy is innate the ability to communicate it effectively to a client is a skill that will take time.

I sometimes think how would I have tried to counsel me in the aftermath of March but to a degree I just don’t think it was possible. If somebody doesn’t want your help it often proves that trying harder to help them leads to stronger resistance. But really a counselor can only help you help yourself and make you realize the tools to change your situation are only in your hands. I think in the past I’ve relied too heavily on counselling to give me the answers when really I had the answers all along, I was just too afraid of the questions. But in terms of the root cause of wanting to die I feel this was me not being able to take perspective effectively of how others would react. I think in times of great distress this further shows how difficult cognitive empathy is to exhibit and again it resonates strongly with the idea of how important self-care is in a counselor. It’s irresponsible to try fix others when you yourself are broken, I do feel the path I’m on will cause my depression to subside eventually.

Prior I was worried my counselling approach would be too centred around using my own experiences and reflecting on them to give advice but I now know how damaging this could be. If I’m telling them about my situation and how I dealt with something I make it about me and take the spotlight off them. I can’t be feeling their emotions or immersing myself in their world if I’m spinning yarns about my own. It’s been a pretty depressing year for everyone and taking other people’s perspectives my own problems seem not only a lot smaller but more naturally manifested. I want to keep it fairly short so I’ll leave it there for today it’s just a few lingering thoughts. Again though I hope 2020 despite meandering around so many dark depressing corners has finally found some confluence with me as I’m starting to feel an awful lot happier.

Thanks for reading x

Life and Death

I’ve had a lot to ponder on this week especially from my Counselling course with the practical demonstrations giving me plenty of opportunity for reflection. I was only observing this week but I found it really interesting watching how different people reacted in the role of counsellor, all their different nuances and skills I find quite inspiring whilst trying to shape my own approach.

I’ve only really had the one go so far and on reflection I feel I got my approach wrong and whilst not afraid to do this due to it being early doors I was wondering how I could improve. Whether it stems from my scientific background I find myself too quick to jump to probing questions even in an opening session which I realize now is overly invasive. Effective listening is always a skill I’ve felt I had and being able to communicate this with non-verbal cues and behavioural shifts again something I’ve always felt comfortable with. But I think like a lot of newcomers to counselling we fear the ominous silence that can spring up in sessions, the silence is deafening and makes us feel like we’re failing to engage. We’ve all been in that position of not knowing what to say and often this causes us to jump into saying the wrong thing which can often be more damaging in the long run. Having done more extensive reading on empathy this week and learning how to communicate it I’ve realized that it is not the job of a counselor to give advice but merely to make the client aware of their internal tools and measures to resolve their conflict.

It is not our job to jump to prognosis or diagnosis but to give the client space to explore their own problem deeper by seeing it from a different perspective in a space that’s inherently non-judgmental and attenuated with the feelings and meanings of what the client is communicating. Question asking should be tentative and gentle rather than closed especially in a first session and this is a problem I had when practicing. I was trying to make links between things the client was saying well beyond what I was given and this is assumptive and an attempt to lead the client in my own direction based on my own observations. Accepting what may be seen as limitations in therapeutic counselling is important but also recognizing the autonomy of the client and that all change must ultimately be independently led by the client.

I have a lot of work to do and I’m hoping adding further practice sessions with my skills groups will help me get on top of it because this is something you learn best through practice rather than theory. I reflect on my journey often this year and wonder how my configurations of self has changed in relation to the choices I’ve made. I wanted to die in March and in the following counselling sessions I was repellent towards the idea of change and life, I think I wanted the counselor to guide me and give me the answers that really only I could have. Before my suicidal thoughts I was clinging to a path I knew was wrong rather than trying to find happiness and whilst in small pockets of my life this stubbornness remains prevalent I remain hopeful. I do feel in the past counselors have not shown me unconditional empathy towards my suicidal thoughts, whilst I know they’re destructive and difficult I feel stepping back from them only allows them to manifest.

Sometimes this fear of counselling someone with suicidal thoughts may harm congruence as you fear for their safety and seek external help. But anyway I digress the readings I’ve been doing have helped me learn perceptively about the theory. I know my second attempt at counselling may be a very different one but I feel the tools I have will stand me in better stead though I do worry I overthink what skills I need to apply and that harms my ability to listen effectively. But I’m over the worries about some students being more experienced than me as I feel it will aid my learning. I do think though my learning is likely to make me less self-referential when counselling though as I fear they would envision I’m judging them by my own self-construct rather than treating them as an individual though I do still hold personal experience as a tool if applied in the right way.

These blogs aren’t really the typical ways to journal but it does space my thoughts out a bit as my mind is becoming a bit consumed with thinking about empathy and how to do it effectively. But anyway in lighter news I’m doing far better mentally nowadays. My course is captivating me, work is keeping me busy and the gym keeps me motivated so I can’t complain. I’m hoping to try see more friends if COVID possible over the course of the next few months but it’s not really in my hands. But I’m ready to let this year run off me to be honest, it’s only 7 months from my suicide attempt but it feels like a different lifetime. Sometimes I like to feel that version of me did die that day and though I don’t believe in reincarnation mentally I’ve effectively undergone it. But helping yourself pales in comparison to helping others and whether a doctor, teacher or a counselor that’s what I seek to devote my life towards.

Thanks for reading

On my mind

As I said this blog will be more a portal of reflection for me as I progress with my counselling course. I am on a lunch break at work currently and writing this on my phone so apologies if the structure doesn’t flow. I can blame circumstance rather than my poor writing abilities on this occasion.

Each day bleeds into the next for me at the moment. Progress is slow physically and mentally but the goals I seek move closer. 2020 has been hell for most and I fear the finale will drag to an extent life pauses once more. Still not as bad as the Game of Thrones finale but enough to make me apprehensive about 2021 being so immediately better. The vaccine will come but whether it will be available widespread I doubt, there’ll no doubt be more political point scoring rather than lives saved.

All this science and politics aside I simply just really miss my friends. It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen some of them and with each day that passes it hurts me more. I may have to wait until next year but I will reconnect eventually. But it’s complimentary of the path I’ve taken. I wanted to die in March now desire nothing more than life I’m just held back by things I can’t control. I suffered on the wrong path for so long I almost feel frightened to be so convinced I’m on the right one. The few people I miss, the few I love fiercely and the one I miss most aren’t going anywhere. And neither am I ever again, life throws its caveats and obstacles by the bucketload this year but I shall not grow weary of this new fight I’m in as long as it’s the good fight I’ve yearned so long for.

Anyway per reflection I had some counselling client role playing as part of the course on Wednesday. I felt a bit outmatched against my more experienced partners but I felt I held my own and it boosted my confidence and gave me a good idea of what I need to work on. This passion I have must lay on a theoretical groundwork rather than being impassioned life coaching or I’m no better than filth like Jeremy Kyle.

Speaking frankly I can’t wait to get into a workplace and learn first hand, as good as theory is it never compares to the practice. I feel very different contemplating this when compared to how I viewed my Molecular Medicine Masters, it’s a feeling of excitement rather than the usual dread.

Anyway I need to get to work soon so I’ll wrap up. Hoping a year will get better is often mere cliche if not backed up my meaningful actions. I’m losing weight and gaining confidence, self and academic but I’m weary about the host of problems eager to step forward from the horizon. I will face them head on.

Thanks for reading and stay safe x

Self Reflection

I know this blog has always been more of a journal anyway but that faux pas may actually aid me now I’ve been encouraged to keep one during my course. One of my assignments this year will be an essay reflecting on how I change throughout my time learning the theory and developing through the skills training. Anecdotal intransigence has often been the pall bearer of my more depressing blogs but sometimes that unwillingness to be positive or to sing cherub like from the altar whilst spouting meaningless buzzwords and sentiments isn’t depressing. It’s truth and marks a point on a journey where you realize the path you’re taking is wrong and rather than allowing your own demons to drag you down it kicking and screaming you accept help and change into your life.

Making this step in my life feels more radical to me than it perhaps is but it’s meaningful in the sense that this isn’t another step down life’s long path, it’s my first step on a new one I pray is right. This blog has always been about self-reflection, I often don’t plan the pieces and end up splurging about all sorts of random emotions I didn’t originally identify. It’s raw and unexpected even to me which may make it a bit morbid but always honest. To the letter. I’ve never deceived anyone but myself but change is good and my recent shift in conscience has encouraged me to weaponize this blog rather than abandoning it. The cynical splinters that still prick my subconscious chastise this blog as merely something that whines about my lack of physical development, something that acts as a substitute for me actually making meaningful changes in my life but I now know it doesn’t have to be that.

I’ve made strong changes since my suicide note just 6 months ago and it’s been through my own actions and acting on my own intuition. I hated my academic pathway so I changed it, I hated my appearance so I’ve lost 3 stone with hopefully a lot more to come, I shut out people that cared for me so I let them back in. I feel I’m ready to become a pillar of strength again, something I know I can achieve and allowing my mental health and physical health to feed into each other has helped me a lot. As for the course I was at first daunted role playing the counsellor client relationship with people far more experienced than me but now I realize it’s an incredible opportunity to learn. I couldn’t be more committed to this if I tried, molecular medicine is a distant dark memory of what could have been now. I don’t completely regret doing Cell Biology I guess I should be encouraged I got a good degree in something I didn’t have the strongest affinity towards. The Arts are something I feel more aligned towards nowadays, I’m going to keep writing screenplays and music because it makes me feel good and I’m going to study counselling and psychotherapy for four years because there’s nothing in life I want more.

Self reflection can be growth or acceptance of something you were in denial of. I was in denial for almost a year of who I truly am and though the journey is just beginning on my new path I know this time I don’t have to stare downwards when walking it. I have a lot of theory to read up on but I think I’m learning a lot just hearing other people talk about their experiences, theory can never replace the spoken word. As far as the destination is concerned happiness is what I want and though the path is changed I hope it’s shorter, it at least feels it and the wind isn’t against me this time. Now I need to go to the gym and do some more reading and continue trying to grow into the man I know I can be.

Thanks for reading x

Starting to smile

Another rare positive blog here I’m afraid. I always feel the emotions I can convey and the pain I can portray make my negative blogs more powerful and by their nature self therapeutic but sometimes giving myself a rare opportunity to reflect and bask in happier emotions allows me to have some clarity in thought especially in the low moments. It’s been about 6 months since I published a suicide note and honestly it feels like years ago, the feelings of hopelessness and loss I had were so overwhelming I struggle to understand nowadays where they’ve dissipated too.

Surely life especially in 2020 so shrouded in hurdles, conflict and chaos could never get exponentially better without a spanner falling mercilessly into the works. And whilst March up to around the end of May was just as tumultuous as the months preceding it they were full of more conflicting but productive thought processes. I started to think deeper about my future and what I wanted it to be rather than what it should be. Because if you feel fixed to some threatening abode and can’t become unshackled to notice happier horizons then death is all too natural to desire because death is more certain and merciful than pain. I wrote a lot of blogs during lockdown and whilst I gathered a greater focus on my ability to project I also scattered my skyline with so many emotions and thoughts I couldn’t move forward.

Making physical changes in my life has been the best way of improving my self-confidence and outlook on life. To describe what I felt the start of this year was like a pain drenched tapestry not always of my own making but still my responsibility. All the people I hurt and lost I never acknowledged I just let the pain replace my memories of them instead of addressing the impact mentally it had on me and those I cared about. Over the last few months I’ve committed to a path I think I’ve always known I belonged on but never had the guts to admit. I’m fully enrolled and had my first lectures last week, it can be quite intimidating counselling training with people who have been in that field for decades but I learnt a lot and felt I held my own. I won’t be discouraged regardless, I know being on the right path doesn’t guarantee plain sailing. Quite the opposite I imagine but hurdles can be easier overcome when you desire the finish so I’ll pick myself up whenever toppled.

I feel great love for people who support me and perhaps in recent years I’ve not been the friend they have deserved. And that’s good motivation for me to open up more and be there for people like they’ve done for me. Life is too difficult to tackle alone and in my career and life the only desire I have left is not to chase false dreams, not to be manipulated but to control my life and help people. I feel the love I have to give is infinite and as I become more confident I can project this on to other facets of my life and stop being so scared of emotions. I want to embrace them, feel them and live them with the people I feel them for. I want to improve myself physically of course, I’m still going very well with my diet and exercise. Honestly I should be at the gym right now instead of writing this but I find a mental exercise boosts motivation and willpower for the physical conditioning. I’m prepared for it to take until deep next year I have a long future ahead so there’s no rush. The people I love should only feel that love if I can love myself so that’s at the forefront of my current work.

On the side I’m embracing my other hobbies, I’m still writing songs and scripts not because I want to be a singer or director but merely because it makes me happy. Any counselor will tell you we need escapes from the rigours of life and they’re mine. I’ moving my driving tests and lessons all to November instead of February because I don’t want to wait to make big improvements in my life I want to take all these challenges on and make 2020 as positive as possible considering how much of a nightmare it has been worldwide. The path to happiness is a long one, it winds and bends and runs away from us at times but ultimately it’s worth it. We realize what makes us happy may have been right in front of us the whole time just our depression blinded us to it, and then we realize who we love and how we can never lose them.

Thanks for reading x

A New Beginning

As we press into September 2020 has revealed itself even further and I have to say I can’t think of another year full of such bad news and awful events. COVID of course is the tip of the iceberg and finding hope and joy has never been harder. In terms of perspective it has helped me reflect on my personal issues this year, on one hand I’ve had a lot of bad things happen to me this year but on the other I still have my health and I’m grateful for that.

In terms of this blog I haven’t been writing as regularly as I perhaps should but as I press on with my life I find myself needing to vent less and less. I’m sure once I begin my Masters later this week it will change but it’s hardly the same intensity as A Level or my undergraduate course. And of course what has helped most is I’ll be studying something I have a passion for and want to revolutionize. There’s no point going into a field like mental health unless you have a deep inner yearning for change and I’ve witnessed a lot of what this country has to offer mental health wise and I know we can do better. But experiencing it isn’t necessarily wisdom and I know I have a lot to learn and I look forward to it. I’m getting more and more hours at Morrison’s which means I can pay for the courses myself which financially is going to be pressing on me in the present but will help me in the future. It will take me three years to get me fully qualified but that’s no sacrifice considering how much I want it.

Also when it does come to me writing less it’s because I’m trying to make physical changes in my life to aide my well-being. I’m currently on Day 45 of a strict diet and exercise plan as I look to lose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle. You don’t need to be a genius ti know better body image can help self-confidence as well as healthier lifestyles being good physically and mentally. I’ve gone to the gym everyday since they reopened and though it’s difficult to find motivation sometimes I dig it out. At the very least I cycle 20 miles a day and already I’m seeing some positive results but I know it will take months more so I will take stock at the years end. I’m determined to make the second half of 2020 the polar opposite of the first. What was redundancy, loss and depression I want to make job security, fulfillment and a major feel of gains. I should be able to put my deposit down at the end of the month to start my intensive driving course hopefully in February. It may not be definitely needed for my work experience during my diploma but really it is something I should have sorted years ago. But rather than writing a blog about how it should be done it’s best to just go get it done.

I want to get back into sports next year once I’ve shifted the weight and I’m looking for a route into boxing. For nothing more really than an outlet but if I can get into shape I’d like to push my body hard as an apology for all the abuse I’ve given it in recent years. But anyway I’m chuntering on this is really again just me checking in with you all and I really hope you’re all keeping sane in what has been a horrible year. Over the next couple of months hopefully I get settled on my Uni course, make more progress in the gym and who knows maybe I’ll even crack a smile.

Thanks for reading x

Getting Stronger

It’s been over a month since I last wrote a blog but mainly it’s down to positive changes in my life. This blog can be excellent for me when canvassing my current emotions or when trying to map out and exercise ex-demons but overall when making physical changes in my life it can’t be done on a word document.

I’ve made changes in my life over the last few months that have gotten me in my best headspace for years. 2020 has been unequivocally bad the world over, the news is depressing and all that pain people in the world have suffered seems to wash out the positivity of change or hope. But all we can do is soldier on and wish for better and that has to be through positive changes. Academics is a very small of life, it’s a difficult thing to convince myself of but I think I finally get it. Switching from molecular medicine to Counselling and Psychotherapy has me at peace with it to be honest, I’m prepared to put in years of hard work because it’s something I’m passionate about. I have a drive to make an impact in this field I don’t really feel I can be stopped and the next few years I look forward to shrouding myself in these fields.

But it hasn’t just been that I’m trying to take some responsibility over my health which has dwindled a lot this year. My low self esteem isn’t just based on unfavourable physical attributes but instead of writing about it I need to do something about it. That’s why for the last 4 weeks I’ve been on a strict 800 calorie diet with no carbohydrates or fat plus I’ve been to the gym everyday. They all reopened on the 25th so I used that as a starting point and I’ve been making sure I cycle 20 miles a day minimum as well as doing steps or weights to back it up. It’s got me in a better headspace and I’ve never really felt tempted to cheat on my diet or not to go to the gym.

I think I ate mainly out of boredom but the gym has filled that void easily and I’m excited to keep it going for the rest of the year to see how much progress I can make. Four weeks is still early days but it’s better than nothing and it’s given me a source of motivation alongside a University course I start next month that I’ll enjoy as well as working a job I feel a lot less stressed in. I also have ambitions to get my driving license next year, 6 years overdue but I can’t depress myself with those thoughts or I’ll never achieve them. I’ve never been in a position where driving was possible until now so I think the next year should just be me writing a lot of wrongs from my past.

A year on from my suicide note I want to be a whole different person, still inherently good but more confident and health physically and mentally. Again though words can outline a motivation but only my physical actions can achieve them so I’m off to the gym. I hope you’re all keeping well in these difficult times.

Thanks for reading x

The First Chapter

I think when you realize you’re making the millionth new start in your life you have to accept you’ve been doing it wrong. I always preach about how I need to stop basing everything I do and think on academia but I’ve never put it into practice. All the things that went wrong in my life previously are still broken and I think with the new start I’ve been given I now have a chance to fix that. When I was 17 my mind was far too racked to think of anything that wasn’t academics, all the other stressors in my life fixated me on it as a form of escapism. A lot of other people at 17 have a lot of other important stuff going on chiefly learning to drive which is something I’ve just never got round to. Financially it’s just something that has never been my priority but now I’m 23 I feel it’s long overdue and impractical not to sort it out.

It’s probably something not taken as a big deal for others but if you don’t have that financial support sometimes you wonder what the point is. Even if you do muster up enough to learn to buy your first car isn’t going to be a priority over University living cost especially when the maintenance loan gives you precious little to live off after rent. But it’s no excuse at 23, I didn’t have the time at University but I could have done it over the last year. I had plenty of money saved and whilst precious little time I probably could have worked around it. I don’t know to be honest I guess my head was too busy juggling everything else to focus on making actual progress.

I’m starting my course in September and along with my job at Morrisons, I should be able to get into a routine again. Hopefully, I can get my driving lessons and theory done as soon as possible in time for my Diploma next year where I could be doing my work experience away from the University. Generally, though you just feel sometimes mental health holds you back from making the progress you need. The progress that would remedy the sickness you feel, it’s a vicious cycle where a lack of motivation leads to a lack of progress leading to depression and an even bigger struggle for motivation. Some of you will know what I mean anyway. And when you go through serious episodes like I have this year you’re just looking to feel whole again really, something that makes you feel freer of the constraints that held you back.

Rejoining the gym on the 25th will also play a big part in that in terms of just getting me into a routine again. This year needs to be what last year was supposed to be, a year of tying up loose ends that prior life experiences have impacted. Moving on doesn’t mean being ignorant of the past but embracing the problems that arose so you can fix them. Everyone has stress, everyone has things in their upbringing they wish they could fix but dwelling on it hasn’t fixed anything for me. I need that part of me I lost in March back and simply choosing a better University course simplifies it, it has to be a wholesale lifestyle change. I think all our lives have been impacted by COVID and nothing this year anyway will quite feel the same. We all have to remain steadfast in lessening the impact and getting back into our routines but whilst also being considerate of those around us in what are dangerous times.

And I need to change in that respect, the way I was going was probably going to kill me. At Subway I worked a ridiculous number of hours that dropped me without a second thought, I was irresponsible getting into a relationship I couldn’t commit too and I was foolish choosing a University course enshrined in something I wrote about rejecting. I need to be more honest with myself and live by actual principles. Writing is all good and well but if I don’t put it into action then it’s just menaingless words. I’m going to hit the gym an awful lot as soon as it opens, I’m going to learn how to drive by the end of the year and I’m going to pass my University course this year and there’s doubt about it. I hope that isn’t overconfidence but frankly I need the self-confidence to pull me through or I’ll just back out. This could be the first chapter of a real new start for me, or it could be another winding road to failure. That will be entirely up to my actions.

Thanks for reading x